Jokes & Humor

Every so often one hears or reads a joke that makes you laugh out loud. ┬áSo rather than trying to remember them only to forget how it goes or even the punch line, we thought we’d post some here so they are never forgotten

So he wanted this picture off the Internet…not as long as I am an American and the First Amendment exists. ┬áMuch like the Second Amendment, good luck taking the First Amendment away!

Or just plain old SUCKS

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning, Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me”?
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID.”?
Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America .”
Cashier: “Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama: “I am urging you to please cash this check.”
Cashier: “Look, sir, here’s what we can do: one day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States ?”
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: “Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”

 

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, “How many people died on the ship?” Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, “About 1,500.” “That’s right! You may enter.” St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

 

I called a psychic on the phone.
She answered the phone: “Hello psychic hot line can I help you?”
I answered “Appearently not”.

 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift – a tombstone, with the inscription: “Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.”

Later, the furious wife bought a return present – also a tombstone, on which the inscription read: “Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”

 

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza joint.
The young employee behind the counter asks ‘what could I get for you’?
The Dalai Lama responded, ‘One with everything’

 

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, No, honey, don’t do it. The blonde replies, Shut up, you’re next!

 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, “Do you have Viagra?”
“Yes,” he answered.
She asked, “Does it work?”
“Yes,” he answered.
“Can you get it over the counter?” she asked.
“I can if I take two,” he answered.

 

During his golfing vacation at Martha’s Vineyard – President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
“Aye, there’s a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver.
“The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:
“No, the other end.”